


My Old Friend, It's Time To Say Goodbye Again

by TeddyBearDoctors



Series: Wait For Me In The Next One [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Drinking, Hurt/Comfort, Immortal Merlin, M/M, Minor Character Death, Recreational Drug Use, Running Away, Weddings, Worried Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 05:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5445122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeddyBearDoctors/pseuds/TeddyBearDoctors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to So Here's Another Day I'll Spend Away From You </p>
<p>Merlin runs away to cope with Gwaine's death. Arthur worries. And maybe Merlin will be okay this time around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Look at that, I did write a sequel.  
> Hope you like it!
> 
> Title is from Marianas Trench's 'No Place Like Home'  
> And I also made a playlist for this one cause I have no life: http://8tracks.com/thegoblinqueen/you-could-devastate-me

It’s raining. Of fucking course it’s raining because nothing can every just be sad, it’s gotta be sappy movie sad. The clouds are puffy and grey and the sky has been drenched of its colour. The cemetery is foggy and dreary and Merlin is wearing a dark suit. It’s as if the world forgot what colour was the moment Gwaine died. Merlin certainly did.

Arthur is standing beside him, gripping his hand and looking completely put together. Merlin knows Arthur loved Gwaine, he cried for hours the day he died. He cried as he got ready for the funeral. Merlin hasn’t cried yet. Percy is saying something, he’s blubbering through his words and Merlin is sure he’s saying something moving and beautiful but he can’t hear him. Merlin has been to Gwaine’s funeral too many times to count and now that he’s here again he isn’t sure how to keep going. He never knows how to keep going only this time it’s worse because Merlin isn’t the only one here, he isn’t the one saying how much he loved Gwaine. Merlin has everyone and they all have to mourn and sure misery loves company but somehow everything is just so much worse.

Merlin doesn’t cry and he doesn’t speak.

He waits till everyone leaves and even then he doesn’t cry, just stares at Gwaine’s headstone until his chest aches and his head hurts. He lights a smoke and leaves the bud on the dirt over Gwaine’s coffin. He tries to smile and say goodbye but his mouth won’t move. He digs into the soft ground and leaves his lighter there; hoping Gwaine will feel like Merlin is with him. Gwaine doesn’t deserve to be alone.

He doesn’t cry and he wonders if Gwaine cried when he took the pills that night.

Arthur will be waiting for him at home so Merlin doesn’t go home, he runs away instead. He runs as far from Gwaine as he can get, sprinting through the streets of London until the sun goes down and he ends up in Brentwood. His lungs burn and he feels sick as he collapses in a field off Seven Arches road. His legs don’t feel attached to his body anymore, like he left them with Gwaine. He probably did, he always leaves himself with Gwaine. Gwaine dies and Merlin dies, just never completely.

He tries to breathe and it stings, like inhaling sea water only Merlin can’t get out of the ocean. He’s drowning and he can’t fight and no one can pull him out. He’s alone.

“Fuck,” Merlin grinds his palms into the dirt, trying to ground himself but finding his mind is still spinning. He pukes and then his magic pulls him down, trying to force him to breathe and be still. Merlin wants to run, to fly and never go home. He always goes home though.

“I’m sorry.” He doesn’t know who he’s apologizing to, Gwaine, Arthur, Himself. It doesn’t matter who, he’s failed them all. Gwaine keeps dying and Merlin should have figured out how to save him, Arthur deserves a whole person not whatever the fuck he is now. Everyone deserves better than him.

His magic feels like acid in his stomach, burning and trying to escape. Merlin pukes again and heaves until he can’t feel anything, his stomach and throat numb. He feels dizzy and alone and he should leave before he gets arrested for sleeping in the park or something, but he doesn’t because it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore.

He still doesn’t cry.

\--

He wakes up and he’s still in the park. No one seems to notice him, walking around with their kids and their dogs. He must have made himself invisible while he slept.

He starts walking away, wondering how long it would take to get to Dublin. Gwaine wouldn’t even be there, not yet anyway. It could take lifetimes for Gwaine to be reborn and be old enough for Merlin to sense him. He could be anywhere in the world-although he’s only been in America once. Gwaine is always there, he’s Merlin’s tether, and now he’s gone. Again.

Merlin looks up at the sky and he wants to scream but he’s too tired to scream, too tired to cry. He reaches up and touches his face, dry. He didn’t even cry when he was sleeping. Maybe he’s lost Gwaine too many times to cry. No. Merlin could lose Gwaine everyday forever and it would still hurt just as bad as the first time. Maybe Gwaine isn’t there to make Merlin happy, maybe he’s there to show him happiness and take it away.

\--

Arthur tossed and turned all night. Merlin hadn’t come home and he had nightmares all night about Merlin hurting himself and trying to join Gwaine. He woke up with tears stained on his cheeks and his skin cold. He tried calling Merlin but his phone was off.

“Call me okay?” Arthur says into the phone, leaving his fifth voice mail. “I’m really worried about you. Just come home, please.” He hangs up and grabs his jacket. Morgana would know what to do.

Morgana lives in a big pent house full of books and expensive things she doesn’t need. She answers the door as she’s putting on an earring; she’s dressed in a breezy thing that is splattered in dark colours. Her heels are much too high and her makeup is flawless. She doesn’t wear makeup much anymore, only when she has a party or an important medical meeting.

“Going somewhere?” Arthur asks, stepping into her flat. She closes the door and heads into the kitchen, pulling out the strong stuff she keeps above the fridge.

“Ya, my boss wants me to come to some donors’ party.” She pours two glasses and hands one to Arthur.

“I think he just wants to get in your knickers.” Arthur replies, picking up the glass but not drinking.

“Probably, but this isn’t what you came here to talk about.” Morgana moves about the room, picking up her purse and slipping her phone and sunglasses inside. Arthur notes the fact that she has two things of pepper spray in there. Gwaine would have made a comment about Morgana’s words being painful enough. Or something. The thought makes Arthur’s chest ache.

He didn’t know Gwaine very well this time around, he was Merlin’s best friend and Arthur did his best to keep them all close. Gwaine loved him and he loved Gwaine but he didn’t even know where Gwaine lived let alone anything personal. He knew Gwaine’s favourite drink and the fact that he was more of an ass man then a breast man. He knew Gwaine liked dancing and that he had cut most of the sleeves off of Percy’s shirts. He didn’t know Gwaine was going to kill himself.

“Merlin hasn’t come home.” Arthur feels like a child who’s come to tell their mummy that they had a nightmare. It feels important and terrifying to the child but the mummy is just gonna think you’re silly. Morgana cares for Merlin but she knows Merlin does stuff like this, runs away and comes back with a new tattoo and blood stained on his clothes. It scares Arthur but Morgana understands.

“He’ll be okay, Arthur.” Morgana smiles tightly. “He always comes home.”

“ _Gwaine died_.” Arthur shoves the words at Morgana and she freezes. His funeral was yesterday, everyone is still an open wound. “And I know Merlin has gone through this hundreds of times but that doesn’t mean he’s okay.”

“You’re right, he isn’t okay, but he will be.” Morgana moves past Arthur quickly and slams the front door behind her.

“Shit.” He grumbles.

\--

Merlin wasn’t really sure where he was anymore, someplace near Dublin, probably Tinnehinch if the map in his head is correct. He had been all over Ireland with Gwaine a few times, starting their travels there. He had begun to memorize the crazy maps covered in sharpie that Gwaine would carry around. Gwaine would use the sharpies to cover their trail, Merlin usually just drew dicks. Merlin still has most of the maps in his car.

His magic is keeping him going, a golden fuel that he’s eating up with each step. He can’t stop walking, running, moving until his heart stops bleeding. Until he can get his brain to shut up. He needs a shower and his feet ache, he’s been walking for days. He used his magic to charge his phone and almost called Arthur back-13 missed calls and 23 text messages. He left 5 voice mails. Merlin doesn’t listen to them and he doesn’t contact Arthur. He threw his phone into Guinness Lake when he passed it a few hours ago. He heard it ring as it flew through the air. He almost laughed.

He almost passes a pub, decides Gwaine would want him to drink so he goes in. It’s warm and crowded and the bartender reminds him of Arthur-if he had green eyes instead. He orders a strong drink and crashes into a stool at the bar.

“You okay, mate?” He asks and Merlin is disappointed to realize that he sounds nothing like Arthur. He has a thick Scottish accent and a deeper voice.

“Ask me after I’ve gotten drunk.” Merlin replies. The bartender looks worried but goes to make Merlin’s drink, sliding a glass towards him. Merlin drinks it quickly.

\--

“I’m cuttin’ ya off, mate.” Not-Arthur says. Merlin wants to argue but getting thrown out of a bar is a Gwaine-experience he’s already had enough of for this life time.

“Do you think he’ll still love me when he comes back? He always has before but what if this is the time he doesn’t, the time when he doesn’t come back to me?” Merlin asks softly, the bartender stopping in his tracks.

“I’m sure he’ll still love ya, but there’s only one way to fin’ out.” He walks away then; obviously not the kind of bartender to get involved in other people’s shit.

Merlin knows he meant going to talk to him but Merlin’s drunken mind takes it as killing himself to see Gwaine. He stumbles from the bar and starts to continue on his path, hating how his magic quickly sobers his mind. He forgets about killing himself-knowing it would only cause more destruction then his family can handle-but he doesn’t forget the feeling of clarity that washes over him at the idea. Not that Merlin is even sure he can die, let alone kill himself. His magic would stop it, just like it stops his cuts from vanishing and his mind from running away with all the pain.

Merlin reaches into his pocket and frowns when he feels his phone, silent device waiting to be noticed. He sends a wave of annoyance at the golden hum but it merely hums happily in response. Why is it so happy? What’s on the phone that could bring happiness to a situation like this? He silences the golden energy with a red shout, his mind now silent and his fingers wrapped around the phone. He doesn’t take it out of his pocket but he holds it, almost like he can feel Arthur’s words left in it.

“Do you think I can make it to Dublin?” He asks but his magic remains silent. “Do I even want to? I mean, Gwaine is often born here but what’s waiting for me now?”

The many bars they’ve met at? His home that now sits empty on a hill, waiting for Gwaine’s next family? The girl Gwaine introduced Merlin to but never called after they left the last time? Or maybe it’s that lake Gwaine goes skinny dipping in when he’s a teenager. Or maybe it’s just empty memories waiting to be refilled and Merlin going there will only spoil them.

He takes out his phone now, holding it up and listening to the voicemails.

_“Where are you?” Arthur sounds worried and Merlin’s heart drops. “I know it hurts but come home, let me help.”_

_“Call me, okay? I’m worried.”_

_“Merlin, please, you’re scaring me.”_

_“Merlin I know this is how you deal with things but it’s been days, I need you to come back now.”_

_“Merlin? Voicemail again, okay. Clearly you don’t want to talk to me but I need you to be brave for me okay? You’re strong, love, and you need to come home now. Call me, okay? Please.”_

“I think I should go see Gwaine.” Merlin mumbles, nearly dropping the phone.

\--

Arthur paces his flat, waiting for the phone to ring. Would Merlin even call? Clearly he wants to be alone but running away is insane! But then again when has Merlin ever been practical? Last month He and Gwaine got so high they managed to get on to the roof of a bank to shout Fall Out Boy lyrics at the quickly gathering police officers that were unsure if they were robbing the bank or planning to jump. Oddly enough that was a simpler time.

_“He runs away a lot,” Gwaine had said in regards to Merlin. Arthur can’t remember when or why though._

_“Ya, he doesn’t know how to stay still anymore.”_

_“Why is that?” Gwaine asks._

_“I don’t know, you’re his best friend.”  But Arthur has known him longer, another lifetime even._

_“I think he gets scared.” Gwaine is tipsy, Arthur remembers that, smiling at Arthur like the carefree knight he no longer is._

_“Scared?”_

_“Ya, but I don’t know of what. Something haunts that kid more than anything could ever haunt me.” He laughs then and Arthur knows he should ask what he means but he doesn’t, let’s Gwaine get another round of drinks and let’s himself forget the pain in the man’s eyes._

Arthur knows now what Merlin is really afraid of, he’s afraid of being alone so he runs away so at least then it’s his choice to be alone rather than Death’s or destiny’s. But things are different now; Merlin can’t keep running until Gwaine comes home because there are people waiting for _Merlin_ to come home. Perhaps it’s about time someone went out and found Merlin instead of waiting for him to find them.

\--

Merlin sits, back against the headstone and eyes to the sky. He knows Gwaine isn’t up there; stopped believing in angels and the afterlife a long time ago, but he still looks up and hopes he’s wrong. Hopes there will be a spot for him. The gravestone is cold, the words newly carved and the grass not yet grown in around it. Merlin takes a deep breath as the sun dips below the trees, the moon teasing the sky from behind Merlin.

Merlin knows where all of Gwaine’s graves are but he’s only been to two or three of them, finding it too painful to stick around and wait for the grass to grow. The only grave he’s been to multiple times is Arthur’s and that’s not even a grave, it’s a lake. He doesn’t move or speak as the sun sets and the moon rises; he just waits as the final visitors of other graves leave.

Can Gwaine even hear him? Does it matter?

“You always leave and I never could figure out why I never could too, but now I think I know.” Merlin starts, words soft and slow in the dark cemetery.

“I was never allowed to have you both, because what is Magic without Strength and Bravery? What am I without you and Arthur?” Merlin’s words begin to wobble but he pushes on, needing Gwaine to know before he comes back, before he’s really gone. (If that even makes sense).

“That’s what I’ve always thought, day after day, life after life, but now I know. I’m me, Merlin Emrys, Dragonlord, Warlock, saviour or Camelot.” Merlin laughs but it sounds like a sob. “I’m not complete without you but I’m not nothing. I can keep going even if you don’t come back, but I know you will because you’re not complete without me either.  Together forever is literal with us three, so come back and make me complete again, ya?” Merlin can feel the tears falling down his cheeks, dripping into the dirt and turning it dark.

“The universe is cruel place, Gwaine, but I’m going stick around and protect you from it the best I can. That’s what I’m here for; I’m here for my friends.” Merlin stays silent for a moment, just letting himself cry beside his friend. “And I think that’s okay, to always be needed even if you don’t know it. I’ve changed all of your lives each time, not in the biggest way every time but sometimes a small touch of magic is all someone needs.”

Blonde hair and a red t-shirt sit beside Merlin, fingers finding his and making them both relax. Arthur did always know where he would end up, even if Merlin didn’t know himself.

“I thought I’d find you this time.” Arthur tells him softly and Merlin falls into him, shaking and finally letting himself break apart.

“I’m okay now.” Merlin says and he means it. Sure he’s cracked and missing some pieces but he’s not shattered across the kitchen floor anymore.

“Ready to go home?” Arthur asks and Merlin nods. Arthur pulls Merlin up and they start to walk away, hand in hand, when Merlin stops and looks back at where Gwaine lies.

“Wait for me in the next one, ya?" 


	2. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their Next Life.  
> (Morgana and Arthur still remember, Gwaine is reborn and something big is about to happen.)

Merlin watches the smoke leave Gwaine’s mouth and leans back against the heater. It’s not winter now, almost summer actually, so the heater isn’t on but no matter the life this always seems to be their spot. Gwaine flicks away the spliff and looks at Merlin with a smile.

“You sure you want to do this?”

“Never been more sure of anything, to be honest.” Merlin admits.

Gwaine just grins wider, always the romantic. This time round Gwaine is happy, really happy and not just pretending. Merlin watched Gwaine fall into the depression that always gets him only instead of trying to make things better on his own he found the best psychiatrist and forced Gwaine to go. Percy always helps, keeping Gwaine warm at night and offering his ear whenever it might be needed.

Gwen isn’t here this time, neither is Lance or Leon but Merlin knows he’ll see them soon. He can just feel it, a change in the wind or whatever. Morgana says she feels it too; reborn in Merlin’s building this time. She still has magic and a prat for a brother and Merlin has never been so happy for that.

“Gonna wear a suit?” Gwaine asks and Merlin laughs.

“Arthur wouldn’t let me get out of it.”

“How could he?” Gwaine replies. “You look just about edible in a suit.”

Merlin blushes and laughs, knowing Arthur would agree with that statement. His magic reaches out for Gwaine and wraps him up in golden string, always so protective of the knight. His magic does that a lot lately, almost like giving Gwaine constant comfort.

“We should go; Arthur will kill us if we’re late.” Merlin stands and the two walk towards the door, bumping shoulders.

\--

Merlin kisses Arthur with everything he has, every moment they’ve spent together and every moment they’ve been apart. Arthur seems to do the same and they both smile into the kiss as cheering and laughter erupt from their friends and family. They pull away, grinning and holding hands.

“I present to you, for the first time as husband and husband, Merlin and Arthur Emrys.”

“You told him to say that?” Arthur asks, not even trying to sound annoyed, and Merlin shrugs.

“Arthur Emrys sounds better than Merlin Pendragon.”

“Does not.” Arthur argues.

“They even fight at their fucking wedding.” Morgana huffs from Arthur’s left.

“Like you didn’t see it coming.” Gwaine says from beside Merlin.

“The Best People don’t get to talk.” Merlin tells them and they roll their eyes but remain quiet.

“Well, Merlin Pendragon,” Arthur begins. “What do you want to do now?”

“I want to go home, Arthur Emrys.” He replies and they grin at one another with nothing but love in their eyes.

“Me too, I’m starved!” Gwaine complains.

“Go!” Morgana pushes them and the couple walk toward the exit as everyone cheers and cries.

“I love you.” Arthur says as they walk out into the sun, music softly playing behind them.

“And here I thought Kings couldn’t love servant boys.” Merlin teases.

“ _Mer_ lin.” Arthur whines, pulling the warlock in close.

“I love you too, clotpole.” Merlin leans up and presses his lips to Arthur’s, knowing for the first time in a long time that this is a beginning rather than an ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Kudos and Comments are the best ^_^

**Author's Note:**

> I actually like this one better than the first??  
> Thanks for reading, kudos and comments are always welcome ^_^


End file.
